Sunday night we talked about developing healthy boundaries in our relationships.  One of our friens is currently reading a book about it and since she recently came out of a very restricting relationship, boundaries is a very relevant issue in her life at the moment. 

I also struggle with boundaries.  I have difficulty in keeping others far away to prevent us to trample on each others toes.  I always allow others to use my friendship to the point where it could be called abuse.  We live in a very close little community, as we are 4 families sharing one yard.  So sometimes we do get into each others space.  We also have a wide circle of friends and some of them is very close to us.  We eat together, go on holiday together, we are involved in each others lives to the extent where we all share responsibility for raising each others children.  I also have a problem upholding other people’s boundaries, by not jumping into their bussiness all the time.  Luckily our friends know us, and we know them, and I think we tolerate a lot more of each other’s ofbeat behaviour than would normally be the case.  So my biggest boundary problem don’e seem to be with other people.

But I do have a boundary problem, I think with myself.  I tend to set unrealistically high expectation for myself, and when I cannot reach it, I really get upset with myself.  If I had a friend who treated me the way I treat myself, that friendship would probably not last very long.  I just read a older post by Imonk on forgiving yourself, and it really made me think. 

I know I have a totally overdeveloped concience and maybe that is where I need to develop stronger boundaries.  All this sounds as if I could maybe have Multiple personallity disorder – I really don’t.  It is just that I don’t seem to be able to do that thing of :”Loving myself, and being my own best friend”.  This naturally leads me to always have more patience and understanding for others than for myself, even when they are doing harm to me.  I even know where it comes from – childhood hurts – being told to be nice to others, that the soft answer is better etc. etc.  All of that is good, and I try to teach my children to be nice and accepting as well, but it does have a limit.  When I grew up I had a very annoying stepbrother (okay that is not a strong enough description).  He used to tease the rest of us until we cried, his mother always believed he was wonderfull and kept insisting that we should adapt.  That was very harmfull to all of us, him included.  The other part of my growing up was full of fighting with my stepmom over this difficult boy, eventually, when I was about 12yrs old, I realised that I am not getting anywhere, she is never going to give in or realise what is happening, so I decided to everytime just apologise to be able to let the fight pass.  It ended up looking peacefull on the outside, but on the inside I have been boiling for years. 

Now, most of these hurts have been dealt with and does not really have an impact on my life any more, except for me not being able to let go of my own mistakes.  It seems to me if I can allow others to come closer to me, to get the benefit of who I am, and what I can give, but I do not have that same generosity towards myself.  I can accept others who made mistakes, I can forgive them and then it is in the past, but that luxury does not apply to me.

Even though I know this, I have no idea how to overcome it – maybe knowing it and seeing it for what it is, could help in future to be able to let go a little bit.  At least I did manage to teach myself not to try and take responsibility for everybody elses lives, maybe I could teach myself this as well.